Raising Disciples or Defendants? Parenting by Grace Instead of Law
ARTICLE • A courtroom or a football team: which is your home more like? Law-based parenting stifles growth, but grace-based parenting rooted in the gospel builds trust, family identity, and maturity by replacing fear-driven control with inspiring, visionary leadership.
Read time: 5 min
Parenting is never neutral. Every word, tone, glance, and response carries a message that shapes a child’s perceptions of life, love, self-identity, and even God. In fact, parenting is a deeply theological act. It reflects, for better or worse, our vision of God and his grace. Yet many Christian parents function more like prosecutors than pastors, defaulting to law-based patterns that traffics in law under the guise of grace.
Imagine two images: a courtroom and a football team. Wildly different images, I know. Like all analogies, it’s not perfect. But I think these images will help you reframe what healthy parenting can look like. If a picture is worth a thousand words, I’m also saving you substantial reading time!
Image 1: The Home as a Courtroom
Though often well-intentioned, the Christian home as a courtroom undermines the very gospel it seeks to represent. Children need is not merely better behavior but a winsome embodiment of God’s grace in action. By grace, I don’t mean permissiveness.
Paul told Titus that the grace that “saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy” (Titus 3:5) is the same “grace of God [that] appeared, . . . training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age” (Titus 2:11–12).
Yet, in the home as a courtroom, parents, often unknowingly, adopt roles that mirror judicial figures—enforcing rules, passing down judgments, demanding explanations, and punishing transgressors to the letter of the law. The child is always on trial. Obedience is measured, guilt is leveraged, and affection is conditional. The roles within this courtroom reflect a distorted theology. God is primarily a judge to be feared by his children, rather than a Father who embraces the prodigal.
The Warden
Do you see the warden? He’s imposing, unmoved, and ready to pounce. This parent controls by fear, issuing threats, and enforcing rigid expectations. Rules are weapons, and obedience is coerced. The child learns to avoid punishment but never understands purpose or grace.
The Prosecutor
Words are the weapons of choice, and establishing guilt is the objective. The prosecutor uses airtight logic and emotional pressure to corner the child. Rather than leading to repentance, this breeds resentment, guardedness, and shame.
The Judge
Verdicts are passed based on performance. Children are praised when they meet the standard. Love is earned, and failure brings emotional distance.
The Victim
Guilt is weaponized, parental self-pity epitomized. This parent highlights personal suffering to elicit compliance. The child becomes responsible for the parent’s emotional well-being or lack thereof.
The Briber
This parent flatters and promises rewards to gain compliance. Praise becomes a tool to control rather than affirm. The child learns to act out to be noticed and get what she wants. Rewards are traded for proper behavior, reducing obedience to a transaction with out internal transformation.
The Press
This parent uses subtle tactics—sarcasm, blaming, criticizing, and villainizing—to manipulate. The child walks on eggshells, unsure of where they stand and how the parent will respond to them today.
The Jurors
Comparisons dominate. The child is constantly being measured against peers or siblings. Love is tied to performance and perception. The parent’s gaze feels divided, never settled on the child with delight. Instead of being known and enjoyed, the child feels like they are in a lifelong competition to earn favor. Identity becomes tethered to being “better than,” rather than being loved as is.
Image 2: The Football Team
In contrast to the law-based courtroom, grace-based parenting resembles a healthy, vibrant team dynamic. Parents take on roles not of manipulation and control, but of mentoring, encouragement, and Christ-like leadership. These roles align closely to how God parents his children—through covenant love, correction that restores, and inspiring grace that transforms. This vision reflects the gospel, where God disciplines those he loves (Heb 12:6) but never withdraws his affection from those united to Christ. Grace-based parenting involves structure, authority, and correction—but always in the context of belonging, family identity, and redemptive hope.
The Coach
The parent as coach sees possibilities and leads with vision and tenacity. Like a wise mentor, the coach enforces boundaries while motivating through relationship and belief in the child rather than mere fear of punishment. The child is seen, nurtured, and is becoming the best version of himself he can be.
The Team Captain
The captain leads by example, living as if the gospel is actually true. The captain earns trust and builds security. This parent doesn’t control—he inspires. This role leads the family dynamic, modeling calm wisdom in the moment. The captain doesn’t command from the sidelines but delivers from the field, much like Christ, who took on flesh and entered our world, our sorrows, and our joys.
The Referee
The referee enforces consistent, fair rules to keep the game safe. Correction is about protecting the players, the game, and is not merely about punishing failure. This mirrors God’s discipline that corrects, enforces established rules, and arbitrates disagreements in a calm manner.
The Cheerleader
The cheerleader rejoices over the child’s genuine efforts and evidences of God’s grace at work, affirms God-given identity, and motivates by positive praise. This parent reflects the celebratory heart of God in loving and delighting in his imperfect children because he is at work in us (Col 1:10; Phil 2:12–13).
The Teammate
The teammate shares burdens, expresses needs, and models mutual care. Rather than guilt-tripping, this parent fosters humility, gospel-dependence, and relational connection—just as Christ bore our burdens and invites us to do the same.
The Trainer
Through repetition and encouragement, this parent patiently builds strength and character by instructing the child in God’s sanctifying Word. Growth becomes the goal, not perfection. Just as God sanctifies over time, so the trainer parents with hope and endurance.
The Scout
The scout sees potential and speaks to it. This parent names gifts, invests in strengths, and personalizes their parenting. Just as God equips his children uniquely for his purposes, so the scout helps each child grow into their calling.
Parenting in Step with the Gospel
What emerges from this contrast in images is a radically different vision of parenting. Law-based parenting seeks to manage behavior through fear, guilt, manipulation, punishment, and reward. Grace-based parenting aims to shepherd the heart through consistent presence, love, and leadership—attention, affection, and authority. The gospel is not a reward system—it is the declaration that, “while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom 5:8). Parents shaped by God’s undeserved grace toward them eagerly pass it on. Children will fail. So will parents. But in a home where grace reigns, the family is a team pursuing victory together. Both are invited to try, fail, repent, forgive, and get back on their feet.
God did not wait for us to earn his love. He made us his sons and daughters in Christ. May our parenting echo that good news—not with pointed fingers, gavels and guilt—but with grace-filled guidance, as we disciple our children not toward mere obedient compliance but toward the heart of the Father. ❖
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Footnote: Timothy J. Harris, “Raising Disciples, Not Defendants: Parenting with Grace Instead of Law,” Practical Theologian, May 18, 2025, https://www.practicaltheologian.com/blog/article-z9dtw-69b3c-mjdk5.
Bibliography: Harris, Timothy J. “Raising Disciples, Not Defendants: Parenting with Grace Instead of Law.” Practical Theologian, May 18, 2025. https://www.practicaltheologian.com/blog/article-z9dtw-69b3c-mjdk5.
